Welcome 2 My World

I love...

2008-01-29T23:38:00.000-08:00

i love how i never felt the need to give up on the possibility of "us", i love the way you look at me, i love the way how ever since we've been separated i didnt stop loving you, i love the fact that i will always be here for you, i love how i feel complete when i am with you, i love how our bodies fit, i love the fact that i know i wont compromise myself when we;re together, i love your tenderness (like when you play with my hair), i love how i would do anything in this world to make u happy, i love the way your voice sounds when you whisper sweet nothings in my ear, i love the completeness and oneness i feel when we're gettin it on, i love the softness of ur lips against mine, i love the softness of ur lips against my body, i love your ingenuity, i love ur love for life, i love ur passion for hobbies and interests, i love how u take my breath away without even knowing, my hear skips a beat when u walk into the room btw, i love the way u dress, i love u just the way you are, i love how i am and feel when i am with u, i love you for you... but most of all, i love how i am not in love with the past, memories.... i've in love with you today, and the possibility of our future.

To the One who Almost Got it Right & Viewfinder

2008-01-10T22:53:00.000-08:00

I wrote these a while ago, and decided to put them up now..

To the One Who Almost Got it Right
i can make you dizzy and write you poems. i can make you breakfast at midnight. i can appreciate monet and graffiti and saxophones and bongos. and if i could have it my way, life would consist of falling alseep on public park benches in couture gowns and watching city-lights blink patterns around me. non-alcoholic teaparties on balconies with fascinating individuals and never knowing what time of day it is. but none of that is what i broadcast. concepts such as these don't fit comfortably anywhere in my life- thus you are more likely to hear about how crazy i am.

telling the truth is not at all the same as telling everything. you know nothing of me because i am unreachable. at my centre, where the incessant drumming of my pulse echoes, words collapse onto each other naturally. they collide and crumble and contradict and live within me. paper will not coax them out, my throat and tongue will not combine to publish them. they crowd around the edges of my lips and escape into bubbles of gum...snap, and they're released into the air. you never hear them. they sink to the bottom of the drink i blow bubbles in. they fly from eyelashes after every blink and float up above the windows of skyscrapers. at times, they can be found between alleys and boulevards where my shoes have stepped and most certainly they exist in that millisecond when traffic lights change colours and i'm neither stopped nor moving nor waiting to stop or move.

if you want to know me as i really am, you have to lean in close and listen at five a.m. when the world is still and i am uncensored by the static of ordinary conversation. i cannot be ordinary. and i cannot settle for ordinary or handle ordinary. because somewhere there is the faint echo of fireworks and everyday is spent trying to find their source.

Viewfinder
dark rooms lit by powerless thoughts
the mind of a genius works best under a new moon
a permanent illumination causes for breakdowns in thoughts and sights
and minds
only genius when forced awake and kept asleep
what you search for, dear miss,
is mystery
and you find it in the shadows of those swept away by it all
soft sheets and cold sweaty bathroom tiles
this game of mimic with ourselves and one another
i long for the simplicity of a touch or a ladybug on my shoulder
but i feel nothing instead
a dull sense of pain that lurks behind every broken glance and watered down promise
you, sweet girl, are no longer yourself
and only an outline, blurred by the city lights.
we spoke of dreams, this girl and i, and how she'd lost them in her heart
i told her not to fret but she turned away and escaped into the night
frozen by the daylight, she squints her eyes at the sky, naturally brighter and higher than she will ever feel
incapable of being loved by those she looks to
there is understanding in dulling the pain
there is nothing she can do in fabricating pleasure
traveling in a void
screaming in a busy stairwell
i wondered how long i would tell her to wait
so i told her i understood and i told her to just be
and she said,
stop trying
its not worth the wasted words

2007-12-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

You took your hands and caressed me.
Then you took your lips and made me feel
like God blessed me.
Every day I woke up and thanked the heaven above
for I felt they sent me love.
I try to talk as friends...
You say you hate to see me cry-
so I guess while you slowly leave me
you close your eyes.

I cry and cry, soaking all night
but my words stay silent.
I do this all cuz I can't say goodbye
to our special and precious moments.
I cry in bed leading to my dreams..
dreaming of the way we both used to be.
I see you with her and my heart shatters,
but when I speak to you
it doesn't really matter.
If only this broken heart of mine was to be healed...
I could open up to you
and explain how I truly feel.

2007-11-06T14:04:00.000-08:00

"You have to stop doing that," you said.
I lost my next breath and my world stopped.
"Throwing things out of proportion," you'd say.
But no, I'm just letting out my frustration.
What you do not seem to understand time and time again
is that my life for the last year has been about you (don't go branching off now).
Hanging out with you constantly, not going or going somewhere
in preference just to be with you. My "friend"?
Umm I'm beginning to think not.
OR MAYBE, I'm not the friend.
Who knows?
Ugh.. I get a knot in my throat to keep tears from flowing.
I do not know what you want.
No, I think I have an idea, but you'd say I'm wrong.
I WILL start doing things without you.
I WILL get on.
I WILL NOT cry everyday.
I WILL NOT try to tell you how I feel.
I WILL NOT go to you in my time of sorrow.
I WILL NOT ask for to much.
I WILL, however, be here when you need me (if you decide I'm worthy enough).
I WILL NOT tell you that I am angry (i'm sorry if it shows).
I WILL refrain from asking you questions (sorry if I slip, it's out of habit).
I WILL try to break my habits and comfort zones when it comes to you.
eventually, they WILL be broken.
AND BEHIND THE CLOSED DOORS...

I WILL CRY
I WILL BE ANGRY
I WILL BE SAD
I WILL FEEL ENRAGED
I WILL MISS YOU
I WILL MISS WHO I WAS WHEN I WAS WITH YOU
I WILL WANT TO ASK YOU QUESTIONS
I WILL WANT TO KNOW OF YOUR LIFE
I WILL WANT TO DO EVERYTHING WITH YOU
but... in front of you..
I will be the person you want me to be.

Truth

2007-10-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

"Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt." ~Tom Gates.

"Sometimes you put walls up, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." ~Unknown

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality, their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You shoud stand up for your right to feel your pain." ~Jim Morrison.

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forced me to blow it at the most important moments." ~ Jim Morrison.

INVISIBLE LINE

Autumn leaves - falling
Warm weather - going
Bare trees - coming
Biter air - welcoming
The world is shifting.
Shifting, shifting, shifting..
everything is shifting.
Scents of summer days- gone.
Flowers - wilted
Comfort- gone
Going crazy, crazy.
I said CRAZY!!
Did you hear me?

..Rainy Days..

2007-10-03T21:36:00.000-07:00

Rainy days are days that get you thinkin'
sometimes so much that you sink IN
to yourself.

T.V shows and movies make up most of my day
but then thoughts creep in, they make their way.

I sit inside looking out at the grey sky,
asking myself why?

I'm not a little boy anymore with tears in his eyes,
no..not the ones that you cry,
just the ones that come from the question "why?"

Will smith asked it best when he said "Why doesn't he want me?"
That's my question..Why don't you want me?

I remember back in the day, the school days..
when the school bell rang,
and in my heart sang.. a song of a father
who one day might be there.

I was too young to articulate the uneasiness within
so i subsided it, not really knowing i was right...
to feel some sort of way,

heh.. rainy days..

i'm older now, almost a man
no, not my age, but what i've accomplished
setting goals, making plans..

In between the Sheets

2007-09-22T19:59:00.000-07:00

Here I am 11 in the night, trying to get my mind right.
I'm thinking bout how crazy i am.. that's right how crazy i am.
drove 3 hours to see ya, and chill wit ya, thought it would be cool to chill wit ya
got there and chilled with ya, man it was fun to chill wit ya..
but isn't it always?
no, damn i'm wrong.. the answer isn't always..
especially when my feelings start going all ways...
yeah you and i both know where im going with this,
but i can't take it right now.. i need to get this off my chest
i like you, i love you, i think you're the best,
but i conceal that shit or try to at best...

our relationship lies in between the sheets,
where we get it on, where we get along... is that the only time we get along?
i went to see ya, chilled wit ya dudes, yeah they cool, thought everything was cool
but you touched my face in such a way that made me say.. to myself,
man he's trying to make me crazy.. see it's the little things that get to me, not what you say to me
because we don't talk .. about "us" or how we be, and how our relationship lies in between the sheets..
i moved ya hand, you thought it was rude, i wasn't trying to be rude.. i was just SCARED...
i ain't want no feelings but thats what came, when you touched my face in such a way that made me
reminisce.. you hadn't touched me like that in such a long time, my mind was tryin to push it away..
ha! my "mind" .. yeah it's prolly my imagination, causing my frustration.. throwing things outta proportion...
you were jest letting me know you wanted to get it on.. man i wanted to get it on..too
we left and went back to the room, got excited cuz we was about to groove, i was down.. i wanted to groove..
that's what we always do.

excellence! kissing, touching, rubbing, caressing you got it all... i love it..
man but why do i love it? i never think about why i love it.. you ask me and i don't really know
see i just think, i dont think about what i think about.. i just think about being in between the sheets with you, feeling your groove when we're in the mood...
but now i got to thinking about what i think about

the reason why i love being in between the sheets is because i love you, and never did i stop.. i'm still in love with you
.."i am, but i'm not.. i'm so confused..damn its true i'm in luv with ya fool"...
see in life you either move on or get on...
you moved on, i got on..
life doesn't stop, nor does the world .. so you live on this path.. move on or get on
you moved on, i got on.
you don't love me for who i am, or do you?
you care for me, you would be there for me, you dont wish harm on me... so then you must love me
but i dont want that kind of love, i want the kind of love where i'm the first thing you think about and wonder about throughout the day...
man , if you were me for a day... you would see how much i adore you.

In between the sheets is where i wanna be so i can see you..feel you.. feel you love me.
that's the only time you love me is when we're getting it on.
our relationship lies in between the sheets, where it has been for so long.
i spill my love for you, and think u might too.. i speak to you, i think you reply... is that what i see in your eyes?
or is that my imagination running wild again?
heh.. i even dream about ya and how we could be together, imagine sleep being better than reality
i know you don't understand cuz your reality is real, real good...
my wanted happiness is so ephemeral... yeah thats right cuz dreams are ephemeral, they come and go in the blink of an eye.
man sometimes i just want to say bye.. to you, and erase you from my mind, just like in "eternal sunshine"..

we staretd to watch city of god and "oh my god!" was it good to be next to you, but it was uncomfy, being next to you
in that slim slim couch... ouch. heh "ouch"..
i went to move to the other side, so you could have room but you grabbed me and told me to stay...
i was happy that you asked me to stay.. by your side... for once not in between the sheets..
but i didnt take it out of proportion or blow it up cuz you were talking in ur sleep, i got it thas wassup...
eh wait, you never asked me to stay by your side, in the middle of the night.. in your living room. what's the difference now... here goes my imagination.. brought back to reality... in between the sheets that's where i wanna be... gettin it on with you..

falling asleep.. fell asleep, woke up to the touch of you, wow that's new. woke up, did some homework.. what a nerd
came in told me it was time for bed, i said ok.. time for bed. closed my computer and got to bed..
oh my god.. i'm in the bed with you... in between the sheets, but not on top of you... on the side of you... in between the sheets...
thinking bout tomorrow, "will we get it on",
but then i feel a touch.. your arm- pulling me closer... oh lord, he's pulling me closer..
i was scared, real nervous you see because u were holding me...
i loved you holding me, i didnt want to move because u were holding me...
in the middle of the night you moved, but still held on to me... fuck !!!! all my feelings came back
i love you, i am in love with you, that's why i love being in between the sheets, because that's the only time you love me...
you were holding me, wanted to tell you not to let go of me, but i knew where that would get me... no where just you moving away from me... god forbid you read this.. you'd say this is it for me..
i'm bugging out right now, missing you like crazy wanting to be your lady..
what a dream cuz it will never be.. i'll just have to look forward till the next time we're in between the sheets.

Daffodils..

2007-09-18T19:21:00.000-07:00

I layed with you in a bed of daffodils and it was sweet.
I felt the cool gentle breeze brushing against my toes, a slight shiver ran through my body, bumps permeating all over. I dug my face deeper into the sweet smell of daffodils, and I felt more at ease. Time was passing but it felt as if it had stopped and I grew still. I didn’t want to disturb the ambiance of the oh so sweet daffodils.
Alas I plucked myself of the bed of daffodils, with the cool gentle breeze only to discover I was lying in your bed, my face mottled into your great smelling shirt, underneath the ceiling fan. I had woken up.. I want to lie back down in your bed, where fields of daffodils await our company.

I laid in a bed of daffodils only to awake to a ceiling fan and the smell of some sort of deodorant or maybe perfume, or cologne. It was sweet. It was good. I am awake now, for about one whole day straight, wishing to sleep in the bed of daffodils. Oh the sweet daffodils, so golden.. “when the times were Golden”. I am no where near the place ..

I am no where near the bed of daffodils, but wishing I were. Missing it as if it were intrinsic to my being; feeling empty and incomplete without it. It isn’t part of my being, though. I live… eat, breath, drink, go on with life without this bed of daffodils.. but oh how I long to lay in it. It is too sweet; if you had laid where I laid, you would understand. So unfortunate that this bed is ephemeral, only withstanding underneath that ceiling fan.. that stupid, stupid ceiling fan. The fan that creeks, swaying back and forth as if it were trying to break free from its confinement to that top wall… “Stupid, stupid” top wall… “when the times were Golden.” Knowing the ephemerality breaks me down, yet makes me longing for more.